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I did not write this. I quoted it from a guy on ASF and thought it was absolutely hilarious.
Dmitri Kalashnikov wrote:
1) Camping is a legitimate, albeit poor, strategy. DEAL with it.
2) Remember the Alamo; chances are the same thing will happen to you and your team for proclaiming that before the match.
3) Any and every electronic device not intended for combat will be the first item broken by gunfire.
4) Never light three cigarettes with one light, it makes the sniper's job easier
5) MRE's aren't.
6) Never underestimate the defensive power of two girls armed with nothing but spring pistols.
7) Burping is nature's way of giving away your position. Avoid carbonated beverages before a game.
8. Somewhere along the line, someone will bring a can of styling mousse, originally mistaking it for his green gas.
9) You are NOT Solid Snake.
10) Be wary of the player who whistles '1812 Overature' during a match, chances are he's the team's assault wiz.
11) No matter how tense the situation, no matter how stressful the circumstances, no matter how much you're focusing on the plan, you will NOT be able to get that horrid pop song out of your head.
12) Just because you have your opponent in a strangle-hold and his primary disarmed and you are armed with a fully-upgraded AEG, you are still not safe from him shooting you point-blank with his little spring pistol.
13) If your teammates do not know you by name, your gun model will be what they call you. Try not to have an identity crisis.
14) Airshock : (ĀR'shök) n.- The mental condition players acquire from being pinned down in a foxhole or bunker for too long with no hope of successfully advancing, often leading to a loss of professionalism and acting ridiculous. Symptoms include situational joke-telling, sarcastic remarks, reciting of Forest Gump lines, unstoppable giggling, and using one's gun for purposes it was not intended for. See also: Bunker Madness, and Bunker Jokes.
15) You are NOT Sam Fisher.
16) Remember: your gun is an extension of yourself. You WILL be in pain if it gets badly damaged.
17) Never argue with your team leader about the plan. If it fails, you can gloat about his mistake later all you want.
18) No matter how many good-luck charms, lucky runes, or talismans you possess, you are still not immune from a hurricane of gunfire.
19) Dry-firing is like shooting blanks: it can only fool your opponents for so long.
20) Never bring beef jerky onto the field. You'll spend most of the match picking your teeth obsessively after eating some.
21) Keep running if you hear banjos.
22) There is no such thing as an unconventional tactic. If it works, it's fair game.
23) Three can keep the diversionary plan a secret if two don't even know they ARE the diversion.
24) Take heart, no matter how pathetic you may feel, the snipers will treat you with the same level of importance as the rest of their targets.
25) If you feel like an ensign from Star Trek, chances are you WILL be.
26) You are NOT Revolver Ocelot; riccochet shots don't count.
27) Clear plastic is not a universal camouflage.
28) There is such a thing as too much camouflage if you can't find where you put your gun a second ago.
29) Winning isn't everything, it's just the only thing that matters.
30) DMR = Dangerously Menacing Rifleman.
31) Playing First-Person-Shooters will NOT prepare you for actual airsoft combat.
32) If you're the first to get shot out in matches with limited/no respawns, you'll be the one who gets shot the least in timed matches with unlimited respawns.
33) Tracer units and lights/lasers work both ways.
34) Never doubt the tenacity and sheer offensive force of little kids playing airsoft.
35) Towers are meant for snipers and that nut-case with a CQB gun.
36) You can never have too much ammo.
37) Now is NOT the time to prove you don't have an inferiority complex.
38) Your electric gun will always run out of juice just as you're about to execute the killing blow to the other team.
39) Never smoke in the vicinity of the gas-gun users, unless you have a death-wish.
40) Yelling 'LEEEEEEROOOOOY JEEEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!' while rushing will only make you easier to pinpoint.
41) ACU/ABU will only work if you're playing in a room full of puke-green upholstry.
42) Make sure you know what the terrain of the field is like before suiting up. DON'T be the guy wearing desert camo in a forest.
43) You are NOT a ninja. Especially if you're wearing a headband with stamped metal on it.
44) It is humanly possible to safety-kill a sniper at close range, but it's still hard as hell.
45) Don't carve kill-knotches into your gun, it devalues it.
46) If you see someone with an orange vest on, pray it's a ref and not D.ick Cheney.
47) There is a fine line between heroic assault and a suicide-run.
48) You are NOT The End. Stop trying to photosynthesize.
49) This is NOT MGS3: Snake-Eater. Shots from your airsoft guns will only make the animals more irrate.
50) A gun with more accessories =/= a more battle-worthy weapon.
51) If knowing is half the battle, surviving is the other half.
52) A bigger battery is not always the answer...especially for an lpeg.
53) The player singing 'Camarillo Brillo' will be the hardest to spot on the field. Don't ask why.
54) Hardcore players bring MRE's for their lunch-break meals on the field.
55) A little rain never hurt anyone, but enough can mess your gun up.
56) There's no rule about verbally coecering your enemies to surrender from a distance, you'll just look like an idiot for doing so.
57) You will not feel the chafing until after you've returned home from the game.
58) It is possible to shoot somone in the EXACT same spot without being a sniper, but incredibly rare.
59) Airsofters who play by the 'Shoot Them Until They Say Surrender' rules have delusional aspirations to be in the military while the rational airsofters who play by 'One Hit and You're Out' rule know better.
60) You are NOT Snake Eyes. Stop pretending to be mute.
61) Only the brave and crazy go into battle shirtless.
62) Five minute matches have a higher fun factor than matches in longer durations.
63) Don't be a hero, be tacticool.
64) Your gun is NOT a physical substitute for a woman.
65) 'Spray and Pray' is cruise-control for coolness. By 'spray and pray', I mean just taking a gun and shooting without any intention of aiming or using the sights using anything but a turret/SAW/LMG/machine gun. If you have a mass of zombies/commies/furries/'Twilight'-fans and need to slow/mow them down, what you described it perfectly acceptable.
66) But even with cruise-control, you have to STEER.
67) Before opening a can of 'Whoop---', always make sure it hasn't expired.
68) Every heavenly power favors the team with the CQB maniac.
69) Do not make fun of the player with the lpeg rifle. Leave him alone and he'll do a good job at making fun of himself in the match.
70) Team ensignias are meaningless if you're just filler.
71) Many airsoft players are more up-to-date with the effectiveness and varieties of camo types than most in the actual military.
72) If someone in the match is from the British military, do NOT offend them unless you want to risk them asking a favor from their chums in the SAS.
73) Certainty of death? Small chance of success? What are we waiting for?!
74) Don't make sound effects for shooting, you'll lose any respect you could have ever had.
75) Airsoft is the only situation where an AR-15 platform rifle can out-perform an AK rifle in reliablity.
76) Ewok: (Ē'wök) n.- Airsoft players below the age of 15 whose heights do not exceed 5'4". Typical characteristics include high-voice, quick reflexes, fast running abilities, and a proverbial 'piss and vinegar' attitude. Ewoks tend to be arrogant, snippy, hyper, and will be very proficient in 'kinfe kills', usually spawn-camping in the process. See also: Annoying Brat.
77) This is NOT Sparta.
78) Streetwear and various 'gangsta' clothing is not a form of camouflage.
79) [sarcasm] If it has an extended magazine, it is obviously a full auto Glock 18. [/sarcasm]
80) Do NOT shoot the gun 'gangsta' style; the sights are on top for a reason.
81) Just because the base has the high-ground and numerous barracks, it is not necessarily impenetrable.
82) If you are afraid to get down and dirty and do a little-belly-crawling, you are in the wrong sport.
83) Anyone who thinks bringing a rubber/plastic knife is pointless has never dealt with an Ewok.
84) Silence is golden, the sound of a newbie getting his first taste of airsoft is priceless.
85) Bushwhacked: (BÜSH'wäkd) adj.- The condition of being shot out from an unseen player sneaking in the bushes or foliage within your team-territory. See also: Pwn'd.
86) It's not against the rules to swear if it's in a completely different language.
87) It is possible to have a method of telling who's on your team that is too complicated.
88) Friendly fire counts, deal with it.
89) There is such a thing as too many grenades.
90) Any and every problem can be solved with a SAW.
91) Bump/hip shooting is the mark of an inexperienced player.
92) Never spot a player for ammo if he's the spray'n'pray type.
93) Even though you are on a team of US WWII reenactors playing a recreation of a famous US victory, you and your team can still lose.
94) If Law #93 happens, a Time Paradox will occur shortly after.
95) Lightsabers do not belong on an airsoft field, even if you are playing a scifi scenario.
96) Feel free to laugh at any of the Battlefield Live players.
97) Teams with a corporate sponsor aren't always sell-outs, just the majority of them.
98) 'Five foot blast radius' of a grenade can mean anywhere between one inch to ten yards depending on who threw it and who it landed near.
99) You are NOT a Navy Frog Man. Get out of the lake.
100) Be wary of hats and balaclavas, some may be 'bad-luck' charms.
101) Strips of brown and green bath towels pinned to sweatpants and a sweatshirt does NOT count as a ghillie suit.
102) Organized teams aren't always 'professional'.
103) There are numerous ways to keep goggles from fogging up, including (but not limited to) using the womb of an unborn calf.
104) Sometimes you just gotta leave early if you don't feel 'the vibe'.
105) If you're surrounded by three or more Ewoks in a bunker or fort, leave IMMEDIATELY.
106) It pays to keep a back-up for your sidearm, even if it's a goofy spring pistol.
107) Just because your team was massacred, you can still 'win' the match depending on the scenario.
108) If you intend to use night-vision goggles in a night game, make sure they're protected.
109) Florida players never call their hits.
110) If it has a scope and fires at over 400fps, it's a sniper rifle....even if it's a handgun.
111) An American 180 is NOT a substitute for a Thompson in a WWII match.
112) Referees will always be in the way of the perfect shot.
113) If all else fails, just whip out the knife and pull a Naked Snake.
114) 'Potato Sticks' in MRE's are nothing more than sliced Ruffles.
115) Be sure to clean your camel-hump after using it, and not simply two weeks after you used it.
116) Grenades mean diddly-squat in a forest at long range.
117) Bringing your girlfriend to the game will hinder your progress and lower the fun factor.
118) The exception is if she's already a decent airsofter.
119) This is NOT Battle Royale. Stop being a team-killer.
120) Make sure you bring the right gun for the right situation. Don't be the guy who brings his CQB mpeg to a long-range fight.
121) The only thing airsoft and baseball have in common is running to and sliding into to a base.
122) Baby Wombat: (BĀ'bē•WÖM'bät) n.- Players below the age of 15 who follow other players around yet do little to help. See also: Clueless Ewok.
123) If you plan to move forward, be sure you know what's ahead.
124) A sign of good sportsmanship: when in doubt, they did shoot you.
125) Wearing padded or 'armor' clothing only makes you look like an idiot.
126) You are NOT the Kwisatz Haderach.
127) You are NOT wearing Dragon Scale body armor. The hits count.
128) Ewoks run fastest to a location when promised they'll find pics of Hannah Montana's breasts there.
129) You are NOT 'The One'.
130) Getting an injury in airsoft does not constitute a Purple Heart.
131) There's nothing wrong with having a little sing-along during a match to boost morale.
132) There is such a thing as a full-auto Dragunov. Pray that it's on your side.
133) Triple Agent: (TRÏ'pül•Ā'jënt) n.- A spy who pretends to be a double agent for the opposing team, thus is still on the same team as he is currently on. See also: Regular spy.
134) Do not doubt the sheer offensive capabilities of a man with face-fungus.
135) If you hear 'God Save the Tsar' playing in your head/the background, Fate has conspired against you.
136) If you hear 'Magic Carpet Ride,' Fate is on your side.
137) If you hear a Brittany Spears song, you are about to suffer from airshock.
138) Evil prevails when good men do nothing and newbs don't play by the rules.
139) Mr. Murphey is an avid fan of airsoft.
140) Just because you CAN go through a flooded part of the field, doesn't mean you should.
141) Green gas and propane users are all closet scatologists.
142) CO2 users are all snobs.
143) Some people really do compensate by getting a large gun.
144) Those who live by the sword are sniped by those who don't.
145) Gun/Gear-envy is the calling card of whiney brats, people insecure with their equipment, and Obama supporters.
146) If you think Battlefield Live is way more realistic, prepare to get a beatin'.
147) Remember, it's not the size of the gun that matters, it's how you use it.
148) Beware anyone nicknamed 'The Baron'.
149) There is no exterior repair that duct tape can't fix.
150) WOLVERINES!
